It's still Sunday morning, but I know that in a few short hours my anxiety will start to build, as it always does, in anticipation of facing another Monday morning. I will probably drink a little too much wine tonight, trying to fend off that rising low-level dread. I'll go to bed too late, trying to postpone the inevitable as long as possible. I know that both these behaviors lead to a worse Monday morning than it would otherwise already be, but rational is not the name of the game when it comes to anxiety. I self-medicate to keep from actually medicating.
Today I will try to be productive. I'll clean the house, do laundry, go grocery shopping. My husband will try to help, but I will tell him that I need to expend the anxious energy that is buzzing through my brain, chest, and extremities. If I just exhaust myself, then maybe it will stay at bay. It never does, but sitting still and doing nothing is even worse.
I wonder if everyone gets these feelings - even people who love their jobs? My anxiety, as it relates to my job anyway, is tied to the frustration I have of going to a place and doing a job that I intensely dislike, yet needing the job because I have student loans and a mortgage and have yet to find a new job/career. It's anger at myself for making dumb money mistakes along the way that keep me tied to this salary for a while longer, and anger at myself for having gone to law school in the first place. Anger at the fact that I looked to external validators (proving that I could handle law school, prestige at being an attorney) in that decision-making process versus being honest with myself about what I enjoy and value. Had I done a more frank assessment of my strengths and preferences, I never would have put myself in a pos
ition to have to be mired in contentious detail work all day (and many nights and weekends) long.
As much as I try to breathe my way through Sundays, they are a challenge and will probably continue to be, so long as I am an attorney.